it's like the sky opened and god handed you directly to me.

my bus almost hit a guy on a motorcycle this morning. we were turning the corner and the guy was coasting along a little less than half a block away by the time the bus was starting the turn. the guy turned and made a face at someone or something on the sidewalk, but kept coasting without watching the road. that's when the bus driver finally saw him and was able to stop and swurve just enough to miss him. that finally got the guy's attention and he swurved the other way a couple feet, but pretty much just coasted. then he stopped at the light and kinda smiled. fucking idiot. as the bus came to a quick stop i think someone standing in the front was thrown a few feet, but nobody was really hurt. the bus driver kept apologizing for the whole thing as we drove through the next few stops.

on the train i overheard these three boys talking about which guns they wanted to buy. two of them were a little older than the third. my guess is the older kids were about 12 and the younger boy was about 8. one kid was very fixated on one day owning a desert eagle. he really liked the fact that they left such large holes in people as the bullets exited. another kid wanted a "38 special" and hollow tips. those were the two older kids. the younger boy was mostly asking questions and trying his best to keep up with the conversation. then they started to talk about the different people they knew who had been shot and played a guessing game of what they were shot with based on the shape and size of their wounds.

all this before 8:45 in the morning. the world does not wait for you to prepare yourself before it stands up and proudly presents how fucked up it is.

-lamon

despite the fact that i have absolutely no intention of putting a baby in *anyone anytime soon, or ever, i think i have decided that i'm only interested in women who inspire my brain to form the phrase "i'd put a baby in her" without me consciously choosing to think it.

does that make sense?





* - the one (current) exception of course being shannyn sossamon. i'll probably be faux-enthralled with someone new in a month.

ex-girlfriend haiku

yes, i want to know
if the sex is better, but
only if it's not.


-lfm

Rain starts splashing down on the windshield and lightning cracks across the sky. Another pause follows.

This time Tom breaks the silence: "Did you hear the one about the guy on the tightrope?"

Navidson grins: "I'm glad to see some things never change."

"Hey this one's true. There was this twenty-five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way across the world another twenty-five year old guy was getting a blow job from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?"

"No clue."
Tom gives his brother a wink.
"Don't look down."


-House of Leaves

you can fuck me if i'm wrong

hey afc-ers. get it Lamon? Anti-feelings Campaigners (AFCs). fuck, i just wikipediaed AFC and that stands for American Football Conference. The internet is ruining everything way more than books ever could. Also, books smell way better than the internet.

anyway, "you can fuck me if i'm wrong" (YCFMIIW - and, no that acronym is not taken) will be a recurring column where lamon and i tell you our opinions about stuff we think about and you can fuck us if we're wrong*.

I figured I'd introduce this one now since I just gave my parents this blog address.





*I can't speak for Lamon, but I'm only actually going to fuck you if your brain makes mine work better, i'm sexually attracted to you, and we've been dating for awhile. also, you'll probably hafta be a robot otherwise feelings might get involved and then this whole blog'll be a farce. also, i'm never wrong.

Mini-horses for the Anti-Feeling Blind.

About a month ago Samantha and I e-mailed The Guide Horse Foundation to express our interest in purchasing an anti-feeling guide horse just in case one or both of us ever goes blind.

Did anyone ever warn you that masturbating will make you go blind? Not true! The truth is sitting around thinking about your feelings will make you go blind. I swear.

Unfortunately The Guide Horse Foundation did not take our inquiry seriously and despite the obvious sincerity of our e-mail has yet to respond to our questions. So I figured I'd share that unanswered e-mail with our readers. Enjoy.

__________________________

hi,

i was wondering a few things about seeing eye horses and i didn't see the questions in the faq section. so i figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

1. why do the horses wear those funny shoes? is that choice solely up to the owner or do the shoes have some sort of seeing eye function?

2. is there a wide range of shoes out there to choose from for horses? i am a pretty big shoe lover, mostly nikes, and if i got a mini-horse i'd like to coordinate my shoes with the horses shoes. are there any websites where i can purchase nike dunks for mini-horses?

3. is there some sort of brochure i could order in the mail to receive more information about seeing eye horses? i really like brochures.

thank you.

"When his friends asked him how many women he had had in his life, he would try to evade the question, and when they pressed him further he would say, "Well, two hundred, give or take a few." The envous among them accused him of stretching the truth. "That's not so many," he said by way of self-defense. "I've been involved with women for about twenty-five years now. Divide two hundred by twenty-five and you'll see it comes out to only eight or so new women a year. That's not so many, is it?"
-The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Kundera)


I started re-reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being a few days ago. And considering all the emo shit in that book and the fact that my first tattoo was taken from it, you may be wondering how any reference to the book could possibly fall under the heading of anti-feeling.

Well if youv'e read the book you know that with the exception of his relationship with Tereza Tomas is a prime example of the anti-feeling male (the epic womanizer). The only woman other than Tereza who he truly had feelings for was Sabina and in a way she was also a very anti-feelings kinda girl.

Which brings me to my point, I think after the individual has mastered his/her own anti-feeling-ness the next step (unless you've achieved the ultimate anti-feeling which results in asexuality and only a very lucky few will get that far) is to pair up with someone who can handle an anti-feeling relationship.

I suggest Tomas' basic rules for romantic encounters be used as a rough draft for such a relationship. That are two options that each work on a simple rule of three: (1) each romantic encounter must be spaced out by a time period of three weeks. Or (2) if you choice to have successive encounters with a partner without waiting three weeks between each encounter you can only sleep with that partner three times and then never see them again.

Any approach toward an anti-feeling relationship that does not maintain some level of loyalty to these rules (I guess there's a little room for individuals to work out something that works specifically for them, but I warn you to be careful) will ultimately result in failure. Feelings with ensue and disappointment will undoubtedly follow.


-Lamon

the halo effect

People seem not to think of other individuals in mixed terms; instead we seem to see each person as roughly good or roughly bad across all categories of measurement.

drawing by samantha

Anti-feelings Campaign Logo

As we all know, every great idea starts with a name and then fizzles into nothingness except when your drunk friend says, "Dude, remember that historical fiction band that we were going to start? That song Wooden Teeth woulda been sweet."

I'm in at least 4 fake bands. Conceptually they're all amazing.

Anyway, this blog doesn't only have a name, but a sweet logo that includes a smug little cat. Which means it's more than a concept. Which also means we're (Lamon and I) going to be perfect and feelingless anyday now...