Instructions

So, you and your friend slide your hands together and say slide
then clap.
then both of you hit your right hands together
then clap.
then both of you hit your left hands together
then clap again.

I used scissors to carve Xs into each lens of her glasses. She was at the drinking fountain. I put the glasses on the floor, and when she didn’t immediately notice I said, “Where did your glasses go?” She looked at them under her chair. Her lip curled. She didn’t dare say anything because I run this class. I take recess surveys to find out what girl the boys like the most. Then I make all the girls hate her. Today, I decided to scratch her glasses not just because she’s pretty, but because she has the most oversized New Kids on the Block buttons and I only have one.

then using the backside of your hands both of you slap the back of your hands together
then the palm of your hands
then clap.

I have metallic stars that glisten when I write. I slide them through the front opening of my desk. Arranging them. Rearranging them. A clear pink plastic box so perfectly stacked on top of a purple folder showing a polar bear surrounded by penguins, rainbows exploding from their wings. I can see their jealousy as I stroke the green hair of my pencil troll.

this time you will both
hit your right hands
then clap.

DON’T PANIC. Mrs. Elba said, “Shannon, where is your pin.” I pull the button from the desk. In red it says “DON’T PANIC”. Everyone is looking at me as I cry. They’re bored of being nice about it because it happens all the time. All the time. My mother says it because of the Tourettes, but the kids in my class don’t care. They make fun of my eyes because I blink a lot. I see them imitating me. The teacher tells them to be quiet, but I can tell she doesn’t like me either. She never gives me hugs like my second grade teacher did.

hit your right hands again
then clap
and clap again.

I asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend for five dollars. My brother, who’s a year younger than me, always has girlfriends. He calls me a fag. She said she would think about it. I told her that she just had to walk with me to the other playground and if he asked, say we were going out. The next day, she said no. She said her sister told her that taking the money would make her a prostitute. So I called her a slut.

then, hit your left hands
and clap.

I wanted to be her blood sister, so I slid the green construction paper across my thumb. A perfect red line appeared. I ran to her to show my good work. She’d be impressed. She said she had been bleeding, but I just couldn’t see it. We smushed our hands together and giggled. She told me that my step dad was an asshole. He’d gotten rid of my puppy. I came home from school and the puppy was gone. I guess he’d gotten into the trash again. I called her, the first number I ever memorized.

hit your left hands again
then clap
and clap again.

Gym dodge ball was a special treat for rainy days, at least for the kids who like to be looked at. I stood in the back. The principal took off his suit jacket, rolled up his sleeves and let the boys try to hit him. He was amazing. Catching a ball, deflecting the next with it. I wanted to have fun, but it hurts to get hit. And they laugh. I try to keep my eyes open, but I can’t control the instinct to hide. The pack is thin. Only 4 or 5 of us left. The screams of the eliminated students are a blur of reverberations through the gym. The opposing team targets me. I try to run, but slip. My shirt comes up and everyone sees the bra. And the other girls don’t need one yet, so they laugh.

hit your left hands again
then clap
and clap again.

I was wearing blue nylon socks. They were not a match. A group of girls approached me on the playground, one in front, leading them. She said, “Those socks don’t match.” I lied, “They do, one of them is just inside out.” She called me a liar. Earlier in the day we played MASH. I would marry one of the Nelson twins and have a camouflaged Geo Metro.

hit both of the back of your hands together
hit both of your palms together
then clap
hit both of the back of your hands together
hit both of your palms together
then clap
and CLAP again.

-samantha